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'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Kenya Moore and the Swimsuit of Doom

By Brian Moylan, Hollywood.com Staff

This just in from WHUH Eye Witness News: Kernya Moo-ah is freaking crazy. Yes, I know that we have been talking about this all season, but she is nuts. She is the kind of nuts that makes you look at her out of the corner of your eye and say, ""Oooookkaaaaayyyyyy"" as you slowly back away from her at a cocktail party. She's that nuts. And just when you think you have her all figured out, she shows up with her Donkey Stallion Booty hanging out with some butt implants in a mesh dress and a revealing swim suit to a NeNe Designed a Shoe Party. Kernya Moo-ah is frickin' nuts, y'all. That is all I have left to say.

Yes, I didn't really get a whole lot from last night's episode because after a long 11 days seeing Sundance movies in Park City, Utah — Strip Mall and Indie Movie Capital of the World — I got home late on Sunday and all I wanted to do was get fetal on my couch and never watch another coming of age story ever again. But I could not. I had to watch Housewives. So we'll get some recappery and observations, but I'm just warning you, like Kim Zolciak without a glass of wine, I'm not really in top form today.

OK, back to Kernya, my one true obsession. This Stallion Booty Vs. Donkey Boot-ay thing is just so ridiculous. It is Gone with the Wind ridiculous. Everyone knows that Kernya just stole this idea because Phaedra kicked her off the project. Going around pretending like it's not true is just so stupid. It's like when your mother told you to stop hitting your sister and you would say, ""Fine, I'm just going to put my arms out like this and swing around and if you happen to run into my arm, then I can't help it."" That's basically what Kernya is doing. The most shocking thing is just how diesel Phaedra Parks is when she wants to take her pictures for the cover of her video. Thanks to her Donkey Boot-ay, I always thought Phaedra was a little on the chunky side, but she has got some serious guns. She knows which way the beach is. It is that way. Kernya is also in good shape, but she's calling Pheadra fat and her trainer, a lump of protein powder paste, says, ""You gotta look good to be a trainer. You got to inspire people."" Yes, that is why Kernya goes to this man, because she wants to be one flexing muscle in a sea of fat. Also, she hates her neck.

Thinking that she needs all the allies she can get, Kernya goes to lunch with Portia. Really, Kernya? Did you think this was going to end well? Anyway, they sit down to lunch and Portia is actually trying to be nice, and Kernya launches into something about how Phaedra is disparaging her name all around town and how Phaedra is an awful person. OK, this is a dumb strategy. What Kernya should have done was just apologize to Portia and get into her good graces. After a few lunches, that's when you start with trying to persuade her. Why would Portia listen to the opinions of a woman who has been rude to her since the inception of their fake reality TV relationship — a woman who continues to call her a ""little girl"" like being younger, prettier, and richer than Kernya Moo-ah is some sort of insult. Yeah, Kernya Moo-ah played this whole thing all wrong. So instead of having a make up lunch they start screaming at each other, and Portia is out in the street screaming ""Bye Ashy! Bye Ashy!"" which is, surprisingly, also the name of Japan's top-rated anime series.

I would be pissed at Portia for behaving like such a child, but later in the show I realized that I really like Portia. I mean, she's as stupid as a melted crayon, but she's fun. She tells all the girls at lunch that Kernya was pissing her off, and she saw her feet and how gross they are and she just went there. I'm sorry. Portia is stoopit but she makes me laugh. We'd be friends. Not like friends friends who go to brunch, but like party friends who have a drink together and make fun of people and laugh about silly things and gossip. Yeah, this Portia is growing on me.

Oh, speaking of Portia she has teamed up with Cynthia Bailey, and they're going to throw a beauty pageant. Man, this is a dumb idea. But it appears that the Cynthia Bailey School of Fashion and Salt Water Taffy Emporium isn't making any money. Nope, none at all. Well, that's because there is nothing really to do. But I find it crazy that Cynthia Bailey can't make a go of it. This woman's hair is a national treasure. It should be protected by the Department of the Interior and given a plaque that is afixed to the back of her head. It is never ever the same and it is always gorgeous. Some days it's long and flowing and in a pony tail. The next day it is shorter and curlier and tucked behind a head scarf. Some days it's just straight, and she's wearing some intergallactic princess tiara jewelry nonsense over it. Cynthia Bailey knows what she is doing. And I love love love love love her country club chic look that she is working lately, not only when she goes to play golf with Kernya Moo-ah (which, come on, is like a Funny or Die web video pitch) but also when she takes business meetings. She's just got a sweater over her shoulders and tied at the bust with a pair of glasses and a classy bottom (which is what my boyfriend likes to consider himself, but he's not that classy). Well, I'm not going to talk about this pageant yet, but it's sure to be a failure. I can't wait. Oh wait, I have to mention the title. It is called ""Cynthia Bailey's Retirement Home For Models and Other Seamstresses Presents Miss Renaissance 2013: A Pageant, Inc."" Amazing.

Alright, now we have to talk about NeNe's Pumpz Party, which she came all the way back from LA to attend. (PS - I have decided that furniture shopping is akin to moving and something I shall be ignoring for the rest of eternity.) All the gang is assembled, and as a way to take revenge on Pheadra — who has done absolutely nothing to her but kick her off of a project that she didn't have in the first place — Kernya Moo-ah shows up in a giant white hat, a tiny black bathing suit with her ass hanging out, and a mesh dress barely covering the blackest part of her behind, to use her phrase and instructions on where to kiss her. Also, she has butt implants strapped to her, too. She's going around using a drawl and being kind to everyone and pretending to be Phaedra Parks and making fun of the dress she wore in Anguilla that had everyone's tongues a-wagging (in various and assorted ways). OK, that is like a bad plotline from an episode of The Wizards of Waverly Place, where someone shows up to a party dressed as someone else and the laugh track soars and tweens learn a very important lesson about how to be completely sane.

But this is not sane. This isn't even cray-cray. It's like cray-cray-bonkers-nuts-insane-cray-imbalanced-cray-cray-cray. How did she think this was a good idea? Didn't she know that she would look like a bigger fool showing up at an event looking like she just got off her shift at Cheetahs Erotic Cabaret? No one has even seen the episode yet where Phaedra wears that get up, so no one gets the reference. Now, this is incredibly dumb on Kernya's part, but also incredibly genius. It's like she knows the bootay suit will be a major plot point so she's already making references to things that haven't even happened yet, at least not for the viewers. That is some next-level reality show game playing right there. That is brilliant. Once Kernya is there everyone fights about stuff and Phaedra calls her a bipolar alcoholic, which — well, I'm not a psychologist, but we can all diagnose her as absolutely insane, so it's not a huge leap. And it was stupid.

Here's the part of the recap where I write something sweet and sad and profound about one of the characters and it's usually some moment I made up and I try to write it with nice flowery language and it's my favorite part to write, but today I'm too tired. If I were to do it it would be something about Kernya leaving the party, shaving her head, hitting the hood of a car with her umbrella and then driving home crying. So, just imagine that with lots of ""the night closing around her"" and stupid stuff I learned getting my (worthless) MFA in creative writing. Just think of that and next week I promise I'll be back in rare form.

Smooches,

Brian Moo-ah

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

[Photo Credit: Bravo]

More:

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