So all these stories are true, but I gave the summary on each of them for this blog post.
The Top 25 Stupid Criminals of 2012
#1.) This is a blatant misinterpretation of the concept that God is everywhere. In January, a man was busted leaving his three kids, all under age six, home alone . . . with God as their babysitter.
#2.) We're lucky we live in the age where everyone has a camera. In February, a naked, 250-pound woman was stomping on a man's Volvo in San Francisco . . . and there's photograph proof.
#3.) In February, a couple in Arizona was busted for posting a Craigslist ad looking to find a DOG to have a threesome with them. The biggest surprise? The woman was actually kinda good looking.
#4.) In Utah, a guy tried to shoot a mouse in his home. He missed, the bullet went through the wall, and hit his roommate. And when the cops came to investigate, they found evidence the guys' third roommate was a sexual predator.
#5.) Sometimes these just write themselves: In March, a drunk driver in Florida rear ended another driver . . . while using a sex toy in his own rear end.
#6.) You feel like this is going to happen more and more in the Facebook era. In March, a woman in Washington found out about her husband's other wife . . . when the second wife popped up in her "People you may know" Facebook section.
#7.) Don't call us to confess your crimes. A woman in Colorado faked her way out of jury duty by pretending to be insane . . . but was busted when she bragged about it on a radio show. She ended up getting probation for two felony charges.
#8.) It's rare that a stupid criminal captivates the country like the TANNING MOM. It's also hard to believe she's only been in our lives since May, when she was arrested for allegedly taking her five-year-old tanning.
#9.) Definitive proof that book burners are idiots: In May, a 25-year-old man hid in a library in Nebraska to burn books, but had to call the cops when he found himself locked inside and trapped in the fire.
#10.) 2012 was the year that everyone learned about bath salts. They hit the news in May when a man in Florida was high on bath salts and tried to EAT a homeless guy's face.
#11.) One of the best stupid criminals photos of the year happened in June. A woman in Colorado was caught with a gas can strapped in a child's car seat . . . and with her child sitting next to it NOT in a car seat, or even wearing a seat belt.
#12.) We saw a bunch of criminals flip out on fast food restaurants this year, but the best was a man in New Mexico who got mad at a KFC and threw two rocks through their windows. The twist? He doesn't have hands.
#13.) In July, a man in Florida was busted for returning USED ENEMAS to a CVS. Five different times.
#14.) Over the summer, in Tennessee, a woman put MITT ROMNEY'S photo on her Facebook page to support him. Her 5-foot-8, 310-pound boyfriend didn't know who it was, and attacked her because he thought she was having an affair.
#15.) In August, a 32-year-old man hit his own mother . . . because he blamed her for causing him, quote, "to have a small penis." He said it was both genetics and she, quote, "kicked me in the balls when I was a baby."
#16.) We still don't get the physics of this: In Norway, a woman somehow stole a 42-
inch TV by putting it up her skirt, squeezing it between her thighs, and waddling out of the store.
#17.) In Illinois this summer, a waitress at Red Lobster was assaulted by a female customer for providing service that was TOO GOOD. The waitress kept refilling the water and making sure the table was doing well . . . and the customer attacked her.
#18.) It's the peril of hosting an orgy. In Florida, a couple was arrested after they got into a naked fight with each other . . . during their own orgy.
#19.) In September, a couple in Pennsylvania was busted after they found their neighbor's lost dog . . . and instead of returning it, put it up for sale on Craigslist. Fortunately their five-year-son ratted them out to the cops.
#20.) Back in October, a 38-year-old man and his 30-year-old sister tried to steal a TV from a sports bar bathroom in Massachusetts. And when they were caught, they claimed they were in there having SEX.
#21.) ALANIS MORISSETTE causes gay domestic violence? In Florida, a 24-year-old man beat up his 33-year-old boyfriend for constantly blasting Alanis.
#22.) A few years ago, a prisoner in Tennessee was dying of a massive heart attack, and confessed to a murder from 1995. But there was a problem. He miraculously pulled through. In November, he was found guilty and got an automatic life sentence.
#23.) This can only happen once a year. On the day in November we set the clocks back, a guy in Ohio got two DUIs, both at 1:08 A.M.
#24.) Here's Exhibit A for why you shouldn't do meth. A 36-year-old woman in Ohio was busted for meth in December . . . and comparing her mugshot to one she took just a year-and-a-half ago, you can see meth DESTROYED her.
#25.) Just a few weeks ago, in Ohio, two neighbors got into a fight. One guy's last name is Hall . . . the other's last name is Oates. And Oates went all MANEATER on Hall's face by biting his forehead.