Celebrity To Do List: Simon Cowell
His new show "X Factor" isn't the only thing keeping him busy these day. Let's check the Celebrity To Do List of Simon Cowell.
--8:00 A.M.: Wake up from horrible dream world ran out of skin-tight T-shirts.
--8:30 A.M.: Breakfast with Coke logo cups, plates, napkins, utensils, tablecloths . . . you get the idea.
--9:00 A.M.: Tell housekeeper she's performing like "absolute rubbish."
--9:05 A.M.: Admire self in mirror. Repeat every five minutes for rest of day.
--10:00 A.M.: Go shopping for new T-shirts at Baby Gap.
--10:30 A.M.: Try to figure out how I can make $100 million a year and still not be able to afford any adult-sized T-shirts.
--10:45 A.M.: Flip through newspaper. Find everything uninteresting. Freeze expression for rest of day.
--11:00 A.M.: Smile when girlfriend once again buys the whole "You're the only one, but I'm just not the marrying type" line.
--12:00 P.M.: Lunch with "American Idol" superstars: Carrie Underwood and . . . uh, yeah.
--1:10 P.M.: Give God remarkable feedback for creating me.
--3:00 P.M.: Pick up laundry at cleaners. Complain that shirts WEREN'T shrunk.
--5:00 P.M.: Continue to ignore the fact that "pitchy" is a made-up word used by dumb people to mask the fact they don't know anything about music.
--7:00 P.M.: Dinner with Jane Lynch to swap tips on insulting the weak.
--8:15 P.M.: Call up Clay Aiken for "girl talk."
--9:00 P.M.: Turn on radio. Wonder who's responsible for all this crappy music. Oh yeah, me.
--11:00 P.M.: Bedtime. Thank God for all the wonderful things he's given the world. Like me. And also, me.