Simon Cowell has made a career and lots of money with his criticism. As the talent judge celebrates his 53 birthday toofab collected his funniest insults and harshest critiques from his stints on "American Idol," "The X Factor," and "Britiain's Got Talent."

1. "Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf."

2. "Like eating a hamburger for breakfast, it doesn't go together, I don't think you and that song went well together." 

3. "If you had sung like this 2,000 years ago, people would have stoned you."

4. "I never want to hear that song again. I cannot stand it. I'm allergic to it."

5. "There was one great part to your song -- it was the end!"

6. "If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning."

7. "It was almost like you were giving birth up there at the end."

8. "You sounded like Cher after she's been to the dentist."

9. "My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business? Don't."

10. "You sounded like Dolly Parton on helium."

11. "Shave off your beard and wear a dress. You would be a great female impersonator."

12. "If you win this competition, we will have failed."

13. "It would be like coaching a one-legged man to win the 100 meter sprint. I may be a great coach, but if you haven't got it, you haven't got it."

14. "Does God have a return policy? If he gave me that voice, I'd give it back."

15. "There were parts during the performance where it was actually painful."

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