A baby journal.  It has been something I have been back and forth on doing for a few months and when I went to the bookstore yesterday, I broke down and bought one.  I do truly enjoy writing, and I know three years from now I am going to completely forget (or have a completely misconstrued memory) of what I was actually feeling like while everything was going on.  It is one of the standard journals.  Asking you how you found out you were pregnant...what was your husbands reaction...etc.  I got really into yesterday.  Especially thinking this was something I was doing for my child. 

Until you start trying to have kids, I feel like you just don't get it.  I was so naive.  You spend so much of your "party days" trying not to get pregnant, and then when you actually want that child, you are shocked that it doesn't take just one try.  Michael and I were incredibly blessed that it didn't take that long, but even the few months we were trying- it consumed me.  Every thought, every time my body felt slightly off- yep that's it, I MUST be pregnant.  And every time you took that test and saw you weren't pregnant, a slight panic goes through you, thinking how did it not happen.  We did everything we were supposed to.  If it didn't happen now, it may never happen.  So to think that some women do this for years- my heart goes out to you.  I could never truly grasp how much of a miracle this kid is...and if I can convey that to my child in anyway, I want to.  I want my child to know that baby Schurk was wanted so badly by it's mom and dad.

Maybe this stems from being the 4th kid.  You know, I am an attention (pardon my language) whore.  Everything about me growing up was so dramatic.  My sister one time made the mistake of saying I wish mom and dad would have stopped with three.  Oh you would have thought she kicked me right in the jaw.  I went running to my mom and dad, and i think lobbied for immediate grounding.  This is just unacceptable.  But then again, you always think, was I an accident?  Who ever chooses to have four kids?  Especially when you already have a boy and a girl!  Even though we are all perfectly planned three years apart, I spent much of my childhood convincing myself I had to have been an "accident."  My other favorite part- who cares if I was an accident.  I am here, and my parents love me.  I just think maybe having one of these journals to look at would have been a nice reminder that for 9 months (although when you do the math it is really 10 months) I had my mom's attention for the entire time.  She actually got excited when I did something as simple as kick.  I mean seriously, this kid twitches, and it must be a genius.  I can record every one of these thoughts for them to hopefully read on those days that they think I hate them because I said they couldn't stay out until midnight, have to be home by 10.  I am sure at that point they still won't get it, but maybe when they decide to have a kid of their own, this journal will mean something to them :)