Konichiwa bi**ches. Are you looking for the most kick-a** f**king roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You F**king found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York F**king City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky s**t-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post crap like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a crap if I have to sleep in your bathtub. 

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your crap. If you leave s**t out, I'm just like, "Oh, I better not mess with this s**t, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Eff it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that s**t in bearnaise. EVERY. EFFING. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's f**king FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your f**king socks off. 

I also read a lot. I effing LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that s**t. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself.  Do you like movies? I effing love them. We can watch the s**t out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU! 

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd?  Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Taylor. AWWWWWW S**T YEA!

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a s**tload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you s**t already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic a** I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo a** up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your f**king mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.

• cats are OK - purrr
• dogs are OK - wooof
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests